"I'm tough on myself in terms of the standards I want to live up to, but that's also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self. Being your fullest self is a lot of work."
--Natalie Portman, Vogue (Jan. 2011)
While reading Natalie Portman's interview in Vogue this month, I stopped to read that quote several times.
I admire NP for many reasons. Yes, she is an extremely talented movie star with flawless skin who looks gorgeous even with a shaved head. But she really does seem like a well-rounded woman who does the things she wants to do. She wants to leave acting for a while and go to Harvard? No problem. She graduated and then came back in full force in the film industry. Start her own vegan shoe line? Done. Work on a character for a movie she first heard about 10 years earlier by dancing two hours a day a year before the film and then eight hours a day during the last two months? Check.
Of course, the movie I'm talking about is Black Swan (2010), which just won her a Golden Globe for Best Actress. You've either recently seen this film or heard or read about it, but her performance really is spectacular. Nina, the ballet dancer she plays, is so disciplined it actually shows how disciplined NP must have been to become her.
Being a professional dancer must be one of the hardest jobs. I took ballet for a couple years when I was around 7 or 8 years old. It was physically and mentally demanding. I wouldn't say my instructors, John and Karina, put any specific pressure on me, but even at that age, I put it on myself. I wanted to do splits like the other girls, but I just couldn't force my body to do it. (Seriously... how does someone do that??) I graduated to toe shoes (I think when you turned 10 you were considered strong enough to start), but quit soon after that. I had to miss school for a rehearsal for the Nutcracker and a classmate of mine asked me why I'd missed class. When I said I had ballet practice, that kid's response was, "Ballet? You don't look like you take ballet." So I quit.
I can't be too hard on my 9- or 10-year-old self for interpreting someone's comment negatively and then acting upon it, but I do wish I had kept with it. I remember being a teenager and feeling annoyed with my mom that she let me quit so easily, though I totally can't blame her for letting her daughter make her own choices! (She danced for decades from childhood into adulthood and is actually still dancing now.) In eighth grade, the one year I lived in Wisconsin, dancing was the thing. All the girls were ballet dancers. I felt so out of the loop. At that time, I felt it was too late to start again. Who wants to be in the beginner class with the 8-year-olds?
My point is, even with the minuscule dance history that is mine, I still felt a connection with Nina in Black Swan, and I could understand how someone growing up like that could become so strict with herself. But with all her rigidity and perfection, a major point of the movie is that that isn't good enough! You need to have heart and soul. It may actually be easier to strive for perfection than strive for what makes you smile and what makes your heart race and feel full. That is what I want to search for. I want to fill my heart and my life with things I'm passionate about. For example, it's unlikely I'll ever be a professional singer, but the hour I spend every day playing guitar and singing fills me with joy. I look forward to that hour. I've been missing out on that specific type of happiness for about a decade. It feels so good to have it back again, but finding these things that make me feel like I am being my fullest, truest self really is as Natalie Portman says. It is a lot of work.
One more thing I love about NP: I don't think she takes herself too seriously. It's important to be able to laugh at yourself (that is something I have down at least), so I'll leave you with what is probably my favorite thing Natalie Portman has ever done: her rap for Saturday Night Live.
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